


It's Gonna Be Okay

by LadyAkumu



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Drama, Friendship, Gen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-16 01:57:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16075943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyAkumu/pseuds/LadyAkumu
Summary: "...you have to fight it. If you don't, it will rule your life."





	It's Gonna Be Okay

**Author's Note:**

> This story is rated T for brief strong language and thematic elements.
> 
> So, like, I randomly bought Until Dawn because 1) it was only $18 and 2) people said it was good. I fell in love with it. And then this idea popped into my head.
> 
> Many thanks go out to Stephaniesid’s “Hey, Hey, Hey (It’s Gonna Be Okay)” and Macy Gray’s “I Try,” both of which greatly inspired the mood of this story. Many more thanks go out to my friends and family who have supported me unceasingly through this horrendous year. They greatly inspired this story’s soul. If you’re reading this, y’all are amazing in ways I can’t describe. Love you forever!
> 
> Anyway…I hope you guys in the Until Dawn fandom dig this. xo -Caitlin

 

* * *

 

**It’s Gonna Be Okay**

 

“So, Jessica,” said Dr. Hill as he smiled his therapist smile. “Tell me how things have been going since our meeting last month.  How is school?”

 

Jessica swallowed, her fingers digging into the leather chair’s arms.  “Okay. I dropped the lit class I was taking and signed up for Algebra.”

 

“Oh?  What inspired the switch?”

 

“All of the reading was a little...”

 

“Overwhelming?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“And how is the Algebra class?  Is it online as well?”

 

“Yeah.  It’s okay.  I’m actually getting better grades in it than I did in high school.”

 

“Then the switch was necessary.  You recognized your need to ease into your first semester back since the incident, and you chose accordingly.  Excellent.”  He scrawled something across the legal pad on his desk.  “You should be proud of yourself.”

 

She forced herself to smile. “Thank you.”

 

The truth was, she hadn’t cared about all the reading.  She actually kind of liked it because it forced her to think about something besides... _well_.

 

The reason she dropped Lit was because the first book the professor had assigned was _Frankenstein_.  And when she got to the part where the doctor was making the...the _thing_ , she couldn’t go on.  She tried to, but she just ended up sitting on the floor of her closet with the door closed, crying into her old teddy bear so her parents couldn’t hear her.

 

The professor was totally unsympathetic, too.  He said if she couldn’t do the class work, then she needed to drop the class.  She suspected he knew what had happened -- everyone did, thanks to Taylor Asante (or Taylor Asshat, as she thought of him) at the local paper digging it up and writing an ongoing column about it.

 

At least he was very clear that everything had been _Josh’s_ fault, including that hermit guy’s death.  Otherwise, everyone would think they were murderers as well as crazy drug addicts.

 

Except not everything had been Josh.  All of the others said so.  Even Sam.  Even Emily.  Even Mike --

 

“Jessica?  What’s wrong?”

 

A tear had slipped down her cheek.  She brushed it away and looked down, shaking her head.  “Nothing.  Just thinking about Mike.”

 

“About the break-up or what happened?”

 

She sniffled. “Both.”

 

“I see.  As we’ve discussed before, what happened is not your fault.  Yes, you and your friends made a poor choice, but Joshua made his own poor choices.  It is very unfortunate that you and your friends have to live with the fallout of his choices.  The only thing you can do is deal with it.”

 

She nodded, more tears springing free.  Dr. Hill was a nice man, but he didn’t have the first clue what he was talking about.  Hannah and Beth hadn’t just disappeared.  Beth had died; Hannah had been left alone, freezing and starving; and to survive, she’d dug up her own sister’s body and _eaten_ it.  That most _certainly_ was their fault.

 

So what had been up there with them – _those_ were their fault, too.

 

She wiped away the tears with the back of her hand.  Through her blurred vision, she could make out Dr. Hill holding out a tissue.  She took it and blotted the tears from her eyes.

 

“As for Mike….Well, I imagine he’s going through much the same thing as you.  And when someone, especially someone so young, is going through such, ah, _difficulty_ , it is hard to concentrate on socializing and romance.  Particularly if the other person lives far away.”

 

Jessica snorted.  Considering the picture of himself with “Nicki and Molly from Government” that Mike posted on Facebook not one _week_ after he’d broken up with her through a _text message_ , she seriously doubted that was the problem.

 

“I assume you disagree.”

 

“You bet your ass I disagree.”

 

Dr. Hill laughed.  “You do have a wonderful sense of humor, Jessica.  I’m sure you know that before the incident, I treated Joshua.”

 

“What?”

 

“Yes.  I’m surprised you didn’t know.  It was in the paper that the police interviewed me.  Josh often mentioned his friends and how they helped him cope with his own problems.  When he talked about you, he talked about how funny you were.  How much wit you had.  How fun you were to be around.  His sisters and he enjoyed your company quite a bit.”

 

“You treated Josh and you didn’t tell me?”

 

“I didn’t think it was necessary --”

 

“Not necessary?  We killed his sisters!  And then Hannah tried to kill us --”

 

“Jessica --”

 

“And the worst part of it is we _deserved_ it --”

 

“ _Jessica!_ ”

 

She clamped a hand over her mouth to muffle her sobs, wrapped her arm around herself to still her shaking.

 

He watched her silently, unmoving.  He inhaled sharply.

 

“The time has come for us to talk about placing you on medication.”

 

“Medication?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Josh was on medication -- medication that _you_ gave him -- and he lost his fucking mind!”

 

“Josh had a long history of mental illness, and once he stopped taking his medication, his symptoms returned.”

 

She shot to her feet.  “So what, you think I’m ill?  You think I’m crazy?  Think I’m going to snap and go psycho like he did?”

 

He stood to meet her.  She felt small, less fired beneath his towering height.

 

“I don’t think you’re crazy, Jessica, but I do think you have severe anxiety issues stemming from what happened to you.  Medication will help alleviate those issues, at least until you can put more distance between yourself and what happened last February.”

 

He picked up a small white pad and started scrawling on it.

 

“I’m writing you a prescription for Zoloft.  It’s a very common anti-anxiety medication.  Whether or not you choose to take it is up to you.  I’m not going to insist on it at this point.  But as your psychiatrist, I strongly suggest you do and that you start this evening if at all possible.  The pharmacy up the street usually has it in stock.”

 

He tore off the paper and held it out to her.

 

“Regardless of whether or not you fill it, I want to see you back here in a week’s time.  You can schedule the day and time with Erika.”

 

She took the piece of paper and skimmed over his writing.  He wanted her to take two pills a day.

 

_The crazier you are, the more you have to take._

 

“I also want you to do something from your normal routine before the incident.  Go to the movies, go shopping, phone a friend.  Do something besides schoolwork.  And keep a journal of what you do.  I want to see it when you come in next.  Okay?”

 

She looked him in the eye and shrugged.  “Fine.”

 

Then she walked out.

 

xxx

 

Jessica headed past Erika’s desk, ignoring her when she said, “Have a nice day,” and walked straight to the front door.  When she was outside, she let the tears fall.

 

_He thinks I’m crazy.  Everyone who wasn’t there does.  Crazy like Josh._

 

A car flying by honked at her.  She jumped and screamed.  The passenger stuck his head out the window and --

 

_Holy shit, it’s one of those things!_

 

She screamed again.  The world flew sideways, and her butt hit the sidewalk.

 

A hand crawled out the window, clutched the top of the head, and whipped it off.  The thing was just a douchebag with a buzzcut from the ‘90s, waving a mask around, laughing at her.

 

_Maybe I_ am _like Josh._

 

More tears flowed.  She clutched the tissue Dr. Hill had given her.

 

Climbing to her feet, she wiped the wetness from her face and tossed the soggy tissue in a nearby trashcan.  Fresh tears welled in her eyes, spilled over.  She dried them with the sleeve of her jacket.

 

A piece of paper stuck out beneath her sneaker.

 

The prescription.

 

She picked it up and crushed it into a ball.  She drew back her hand to throw it away.  Instead, she stuffed it into her jacket pocket.

 

To get to the bus stop, she had to pass the pharmacy unless she went the long way through the outside mall.  Since it was a Thursday afternoon, there’d be barely anyone at the mall.  She knew because back in high school, she and Em would ditch last period and hang out downtown.  A few times Mike had come along.

 

Suddenly, the mall didn’t look that appealing.

 

_Go to the movies, go shopping, phone a friend._ Normal stuff.  That’s what Dr. Hill had said.

 

Not that she cared what he thought, but it had been a while since she’d gone shopping.  And the mall always had great shopping.

 

Plus, it was the week before Halloween.  Every year, the city decorated the mall with pumpkin flags and orange lights, and the shops filled their storefronts with fake leaves, shiny orange garland, and Halloween ghouls that smiled sweetly at you as you walked past.  They weren’t scary at all, not like...

 

Well.  Anyway.

 

She’d forgotten how much she loved going to the mall in October.  She pulled out her phone and typed her mom a message:

 

_“Appointment was OK. Dr. Hill had to leave early b/c of an emergency.  Going to the mall.  Maybe see a movie and get something to eat.”_

 

As soon as she sent it, she received a message.  She opened her inbox, thinking it was just a response from Mom.  It was from Dr. Hill:

 

_“Jessica, please message me to let me know you got home safely.  Thank you and see you soon.  Dr. Hill.”_

 

She pocketed her phone without responding.

 

The mall started at a blocked-off side road on this street, curved behind the buildings, and opened into its own street.  In the distance, the lit-up red cross suspended above the pharmacy winked like an eye.  She turned right onto the side road.

 

Her phone buzzed.  She pulled it out and found that her mom had responded, telling her to be safe and to call if she wouldn’t get home until after dark.  Jessica replied, _“OK.”_

 

While she had her phone menu open, she saw that she had one new notification from Facebook.  It was from Matt.  He’d Liked a photo she’d posted of herself, smiling and looking like her flirty, old self.  She’d taken it at an angle so you could only see one side of her face, the side that wasn’t left scarred that night.

 

She’d kind of hoped that Matt would stay in touch with her since he was the one who’d found her and helped her out of the mines.  But no.  Not really.  Not unless you considered a Like on Facebook every now and then “staying in touch.”

 

Same with Ashley and Chris.  Of course, they spent quite a lot of time “staying in touch” with each other in real life, as all the photos of themselves sucking face indicated.  They were so lucky they went to the same college.

 

_Maybe I should have gone to State with Mike._

 

Whatever.  Fuck Mike.  He’d broken up with her through a fucking _text message_.  And if that didn’t make him enough of a douche nozzle, he hadn’t even waited a week to start posting photos of himself scheming on the skanks he went to school with.  So yeah.   _Fuck.  Michael._

 

Another Facebook notification popped up, followed by another.  Sam had Liked the same photo and commented on it.  She said:

 

_“Great pic, Jess!  We totally need to hang out during Thanksgiving Break.  I saw where Ryan Gosling has a new movie coming out that week, wink-wink!”_

 

Jessica replied, _“OMG for sure!!!  Let me know when you’re back in town!”_

 

After a moment, she received another notification.  Sam had Liked her response.

 

Of everyone who’d been there that night, the one she heard from the most was Sam.  It was kind of weird, considering they had barely talked before last February.  Sure, they’d both attended Josh, Hannah, and Beth’s getaways, but Jessica always stuck with Em, Beth, and Ashley while Sam and Hannah did whatever.  Sometimes their groups crossed each other when Beth wanted to hang out with Hannah, but that was about it.

 

Whatever.  She was just glad there was someone out there who knew she wasn’t crazy and actually talked to her.

 

Oh, sure, Mike had sent that one text message after he’d broken up with her and posted that picture and she’d deleted him off her friends list (he sure liked using text messages to relay vital information, didn’t he?), but she ignored it.  He had broken up with her.  Where did he get off asking her if she was okay?

 

But other than that, she hadn’t gotten anything from anyone.  Not Matt.  Not Chris.  Not Ashley, which hurt a little since Jessica considered her a friend.  Definitely not Emily.  No one except Sam.

 

Jessica got that everyone had their own lives.  Matt was on his college’s football team, and he’d done an internship out of town last summer.  Chris and Ashley had also spent their summer out of town, backpacking across Europe and taking dorky photos of themselves along the way.  (Plus, they had each other’s face to eat when they weren’t studying.)

 

Sam, she knew, was super busy because she had all advanced classes this semester.  And last summer she’d done a study abroad program in Costa Rica for her degree.  But when she’d come home for the week between the end of the program and the start of her school’s semester, she’d messaged Jessica to see if she was up for a hangout.  They ended up having a movie night with a bunch of old teen comedies on Netflix and two whole bags of Doritos.  It was the most fun Jessica’d had since last February.

 

So yeah, she got people were busy.  But it’d be nice to be remembered once in a while by the only people who knew she wasn’t crazy.

 

At least, she hoped they were just busy.

 

A snowflake landed on her phone screen.  She looked up.

 

A lot of snowflakes were falling.  The weather channel had said the snow wasn’t going to start until tonight.

 

Oh well.  It wasn’t like she was driving.  And snow was pretty, even though it had to be cold for it to lie.  Cold like that night.  Freezing.  And alone.

 

She zipped up her jacket, stuffed both hands in her jacket pockets, and walked faster.

 

As she made her way around the curve, she heard distant music.  “The Monster Mash.”  Smiling, she mouthed the words.

 

Thursday afternoon at the mall in October was just how she remembered it, pumpkin flags and all.  Beck’s Shoes and Buckles had hung a black and orange wreath with a smiling plush bat on their door.  The storefront showcased black, buckled shoes with a cutout of a cartoon witch standing beside a pair of black knee-highs.  In one corner were pairs of fluffy bedroom slippers shaped like werewolf paws and the Frankenstein monster’s stitched feet.

 

The Candlebox had set all of their fall scents on a stepping shelf in their storefront.  Each step was covered with fake cobwebs and spiders.  An Elvira statue sat on one step with her legs crossed and hanging over the edge.

 

A giant poster hung in Taco Cafe’s front window, showing cartoony Dracula with a taco slathered in blood and promising “spooky-good” customer service.

 

She hadn’t had a Taco Cafe taco in _forever_.  She was definitely going to have one today.

 

Beside Taco Cafe was Belle de la Mode. She had _loved_ Belle de la Mode when she was in high school.  It stocked the latest in high fashion for teens and college girls.  Lots of faded jeans, cute boots, and knits.  She and Emily had always stopped in there to check out what was new and try on clothes.  Jessica couldn’t think of a single time since high school that she’d gone in.

 

Well, she was going in today.

 

After she finished her taco, Jessica tossed her trash and walked to the storefront. She stared up at the curly, navy blue letters that read BELLE DE LA MODE. The same navy blue covered the frame and paneling.  White dots that represented stars splashed the blue.  Just the way she remembered.

 

It hadn’t been _that_ long since she’d been here. Why’d she think it would look any different?

 

_So pretty._ Still _so pretty._

 

Belle de la Mode was one of the few shops on the mall that didn’t decorate their storefronts for Halloween.  All of the clothes on the mannequin were black, though. Black boots, black jeans, black sweater, black jacket, black necklace.  Like something one of the girls in _The Craft_ would wear.

 

Jessica wasn’t much on black, but that black jacket was really cute.

 

_I wonder if they have it in white, or maybe light blue or pink._

 

Inside, low light streamed from blue light fixtures.  She passed the jeans shelf and sweater racks and went straight for the jackets.  There were light blue and pink jackets like the black one out front, but none of them were in her size.

 

Thankfully, there was one remaining white jacket in medium. She grabbed it and went back to the dressing rooms.

 

The dressing room doors were painted navy blue with the same white star-speckling. Hooking the hanger on the nearest door, she slipped out of her red jacket and threw it over the same door. Then she slid into the white jacket.

 

At first glance, she loved how it looked on her. It was fun and trendy but gave her an air of maturity, especially with the braided ponytail she now wore her hair in.

 

Smiling, she tossed her head, swinging her bangs playfully. She bent her head to one side, studying her right profile in the mirror. Turning, she studied her left profile…

 

...and saw the scar in the mirror. Her ragged, ugly scar, which she’d gotten when one of those things had clawed her cheek.

 

Suddenly, she hated the jacket -- hated its pure, snowy color because it made the puffy redness stand out even more. The tears were welling up in her eyes again; she could feel it as well as see it in the mirror, the glaze over her eyes that gleamed in the dim light.

 

The sales associate approached her.

 

“Can I help you?” she asked Jessica with a smile.

 

Biting her lip, Jessica shook her head.  “No.”

 

Throwing the jacket over the dressing room door, she grabbed her own jacket and shrugged into it.  Without looking at the woman, she hustled past her, murmuring, “I’m sorry, I have to go,” and ran outside.

 

She didn’t stop until she was a few doors down, outside of an arts and crafts supplies store. Pressing her back against the store’s brick framework, she looked up at the goldening sky.  A pretty October afternoon, despite all of the snowflakes clouding it up.  Just like back then, back before…

 

_I want to enjoy it.  I will enjoy it.  I_ will.

 

Rubbing the tears out of her eyes, she continued down the mall.

 

She stopped in a couple of other shops and looked around before coming to Gwen’s Fair Price Store.  Half of it was kind of a junk shop, but the other half was stocked with masks, wigs, stage make-up, and everything else dress-up-y.  It was the best shop around for assembling a last-minute Halloween costume, thanks to all of the half-off sales in October.  She, Em, Ashley, and Beth had done it on a number of occasions after finding out about a Saturday night Halloween party the Friday before.

 

In fact, there was a sale going on right now, according to the big orange sign hanging in the storefront above three mannequins that were dressed as a Roman soldier, Marilyn Monroe, and Batman.

 

_I wonder if anyone is throwing a Halloween party this year._

 

She went inside and stood in the corner of the costume part while she clicked through the Facebook app.

 

_Yes!  Mitch Johnson is having a party this Saturday._

 

Mitch had been on the football team with Matt.  He’d had a crush on her all through high school, even after she’d turned him down a thousand times.  Now they were friends on Facebook.

 

She was sure she’d be a welcomed guest at his party (which he’d dubbed “Halloween Fright Night”), especially if she showed up in something super cute or sexy.  Double-especially if it made her scar virtually invisible.

 

There were about fifty people listed as GOING.  Some of them she recognized, and some of them she didn’t.

 

Regardless, fifty wasn’t bad.  Besides, everyone knew it was _quality_ , not quantity, when it came to parties.  And she’d been counted as a quality asset to every party she’d ever attended.

 

This was the perfect opportunity to reintroduce the world to the old Jessica Riley.

 

Clicking GOING, she slipped her phone back into her pocket.

 

_Now to find a costume._

 

She wasn’t thinking sexy, but she was definitely thinking cute -- cute and sugary, just like her.  But not _too_ cute and sugary.  She didn’t want the half of attendees she hadn’t met to think she couldn’t drink or shake her finely crafted ass.

 

_Then again, it might be fun to surprise them_.

 

All of the costumes were packaged in plastic bags with an insert photo showing a model wearing the costume.  There was a pirate, a gothic bride, the Marilyn Monroe on the mannequin out front -- so many that they took up the entire side of the aisle.

 

_At least there’s a big selection._

 

She picked up a princess costume because it was blue, her favorite color. With its long skirt and see-through sleeves, it was cute and sugary without being too cute and sugary.  She could definitely be a princess…

 

...except her knight in shining armor had abandoned her.  Princesses weren’t abandoned by their knights in shining armor.

 

_Fuck Mike.  Fuck Mike.  Fuck.  Mike._

 

She put the costume back and turned to see what was on the other side.  She screamed.

 

The same mask worn by that douche canoe who’d scared her was hanging from a peg level with her eyes.

 

She stumbled backward into the costumes.  Their packages crackled loudly as they fell to the floor.

 

_“Shit!”_ she said.

 

“Everything okay here?”

 

Screaming again, she whirled around and saw an older guy wearing a sweatshirt and work apron.  She clutched her chest, felt her heart hammering against her ribcage.

 

“You okay, miss?” he asked.

 

She nodded.  “Yeah.  Just, um, tripped.  Sorry about, uh --”

 

“That’s okay.  Accidents happen.”

 

Stooping, he picked up the packages.  She bent to help him.

 

After they’d placed all the packages on the pegs, he asked, “Is there something I can help you find?”

 

She brought her trembling hand to the side of her face and made like she was scratching her scar so he couldn’t tell she was blocking the masks.  “No.  Just looking right now.”

 

It looked like it worked.  He just smiled and said, “Okay.  I’ll be at the front counter if you need anything,” before disappearing behind the nearest endcap.

 

She took three deep breaths and then looked at the masks.  Near the monster one were a rabid werewolf one, a demented banshee one, and a psycho clown one.

 

_They’re just masks.  They’re just masks.  They’re just masks…_

 

She forced her hand to the monster one.  Closing her eyes when the tips of her fingers brushed the end, she quickly flipped the mask.  She did the same to the other scary masks before opening her eyes.

 

_Not as good as a trash compacter or blowtorch, but good enough_.

 

She turned back to the costumes.  Her eyes fell on one that the guy had picked up: a forest fairy.

 

The dress was an emerald green deal with long sleeves and a thigh-high skirt cut to look like petals.  Ivy leaves “grew” from the flower-lined waist, twisted around the corset ribs, and wrapped around the sleeves.  The foam wings were green, glittery, and small enough not to be annoying.  Originally $50 but marked down to $25.

 

It was a bit conservative, but considering it was supposed to be 40 degrees on Saturday night, that probably wasn’t a bad thing.

 

Anyway, the neckline was low enough to show some cleavage.  And she had green tights left over from St. Patrick’s Day one year as well as a pair of brown knee-highs.  She also had shimmering lip gloss, green eyeshadow (another leftover from St. Patrick’s Day), and face paint that could cover her scar with leaves and flowers.  The only thing she didn’t have was body glitter—

 

“A fairy?  Shouldn’t you go as something more appropriate, like an evil witch or, better yet, a homewrecking slut?”

 

Jessica had jumped when she heard the voice, even though she recognized it immediately.

 

Emily stood before her, sporting a knit dress, tights, black boots, and a long overcoat with matching gloves and a scarf.  In one hand, she held a Starbucks cup.

 

“Someone’s a little jumpy,” Emily continued.  “Though I got to say, I’m a little startled myself.  With that get-up, I thought you were some cowgirl.  Then I remembered you had a red coat exactly like the one you lost up at the lodge, and I said to myself, ‘Hot damn, Jessica _finally_ tossed those awful pigtails,’ --”

 

“It’s a shame Matt didn’t come with you so he could put a leash on his bitch,” Jessica snapped.

 

“Ow, Jess!  That really hurts...that you didn’t hear I dumped Matt a long time ago.  Like a _long_ time ago.  But hey, you might’ve if you hadn’t deleted me off your friends list when you decided to make a grab for Mike.  Speaking of Mike, I heard a funny rumor that you two broke up.”

 

“Yeah.  So what?  I was tired of his crap.”

 

“Well, the way I hear it, _he_ dumped _you_.  Through a _text message_.   _Ouch_.”

 

“Can’t say I’m surprised he told you.  I bet as soon as you saw his status change to Single, you jumped on him like a dog in heat.  My only question is if it was before or after you dumped --”

 

Emily said something, but all Jessica could hear was the song.  She hadn’t been paying attention to the music overhead until just now, when she heard the melody.

 

Then a voice she knew all too well because she’d listened to it a million times sang:

 

_“Sometimes I hit a wall and I fall and I can't stand up and somebody says, ‘Hey-hey-hey, it’s gonna be okay’…”_

 

She was shaking again.  Emily was still standing there, looking at her, snapping her fingers while saying something -- _“Earth to Jessica.”_ But the only thing Jessica heard was _that song_ \-- that song, and her heart pounding in her chest.  Just like on that night.

 

Dropping the package, she clamped her hands over her ears, thought really hard about “The Monster Mash,” and barreled out of the store.

 

Tears were streaming down her face again.  Some song by Sia was echoing down the street, so she took her hands off her ears and wiped the new tears on her sleeve.

 

Fuck the Halloween party.  She’d had enough of trying to do normal things when she obviously _wasn’t_ normal.  

 

The bus stop was a few minutes’ walk away.  She sped up and broke into a jog, the snowflakes nipping her face.

 

Something popped out from behind a shop corner --

 

_It’s one of those things!_

 

It growled at her, slashing the air.  She skidded right into it, and it growled again, shoving her hard to the ground.  Laughter rang in her ears.

 

Screaming, crying, she curled into a tight ball and covered her eyes.

 

_“Jessica!”_ a voice she recognized called out. _“Jess!”_

 

Then the voice said, “Jesus fuck, what did you do to her, you pricks?”

 

“Hey, chill out, it was just a joke!  A prank!”

 

She peered between her trembling fingers and saw Emily and the same asshole who’d scared her before, the mask in his hand.  Beside him stood some other dickwad.

 

“You know, for laughs,” Dickwad was saying.

 

“Scaring the shit out of someone isn’t funny,” Emily said.  “Now throwing your coffee in someone’s face --” She swung her drink into Asshole’s eyes, “ _that’s_ funny.”

 

Shrieking, Asshole forgot all about his mask and clutched his face.

 

“You bitch!” said his friend.

 

“God damn it, that was fucking hot!”

 

“Oh please, it was piss-warm at best,” said Emily.

 

“You know what else isn’t funny?” said Dickwad. “Assault and battery charges.”

 

“And you know what is?  My dad’s the Attorney General of the _state_.  So you go ahead and file those charges.”  Emily threw the empty cup at his head.  He batted it away.  “We’ll see how far you get until you reach the bottom of that deep wallet I’m _so sure_ you have.  And I’ll bet the police would love to hear how you shoved an innocent passerby to the ground, which is, by the way, _also_ assault and battery.”

 

He paused, glaring at Emily, and then said, “Bitch,” again.

 

To his friend, he said, “Come on.  Let’s go.”

 

“That’s right: get lost, jerk-offs!” Emily called after them.

 

She turned to Jessica.  “What the hell was _that_ about?  I know I deliver some pretty sick burns, but rarely are they intense enough to make someone flip out, turn tail, and run.”

 

Jessica shoved herself to her feet.  “Nothing that concerns you,” she said, brushing the snowflakes off her jeans.

 

She walked past Emily without so much a glance and continued briskly up the street.

 

“What, don’t I get a thank you at least?” Emily said.

 

Jessica flipped her the finger.

 

“Oh, nice, Jess.  Fuck you, too.”

 

The bus stop was right around the corner from the mall’s other mouth.  She took a seat on the empty bench under the glass-paneled shelter.  The next bus that went to her neighborhood would stop at 6:15.

 

She pulled out her cell phone and checked the time.  5:30.

_Great._

 

Well, if she could say one positive thing about her day, it was that she had faced Emily without crying.  She was so damned sick of crying over every little thing, of freaking out over every little thing.  It was annoying and so _not her_.

 

The Halloween party had been her chance to prove it to anyone who doubted her.  She could go without a costume, but it wasn’t the same.  It wasn’t as fun.  And she wanted to be fun again.

 

_I could’ve bought the costume and left if Emily had kept her stupid nose in her own business._

 

But that didn’t feel quite right to think.  It wasn’t Emily’s fault she’d freaked out like she had.  It was what they’d gone through last February.  It was all _that_ ’s fault.  And _they_ had caused _that_.

 

Why didn’t Mike, Ashley, and everyone understand?

 

She hugged her knees to her chest and buried her face in them.

 

_Don’t cry.  Don’t cry.  Don’t cry._

 

“Jess?”

 

She looked up, the chill stinging the fresh wetness on her cheeks.

 

Emily stood in the shelter’s opening.  In her hand was a crumpled piece of paper.

 

Emily held it out to her.  “You dropped this back there.”  

 

Jessica took it.  It was the prescription that Dr. Hill had written for her.

 

“Look, it isn’t any of my business, but that drug store closes in like a half-hour.”

 

Jessica balled up the paper and shoved it in her jacket pocket.  “What do you care?”

 

“I don’t,” Emily said quickly.  “I just thought I’d tell you.  Since Starbucks apparently sucks now and doesn’t know how to make a pumpkin spice latte, I’m going to stop in there to see if they have any of the powdered mix.”

 

She watched Jessica for a moment.

 

Jessica shrugged. “Enjoy your cheap pumpkin spice latte mix.”

 

Emily snorted.  “Whatever,” she said, and left.

 

Jessica didn’t watch her disappear around the corner.  Instead, she propped her chin on her knees and stared off into space.

 

She dug the crinkled prescription out of her pocket and studied Dr. Hill’s scratchy handwriting.  Zoloft, twice a day for one month to start, to be filled at Great Lakes Pharmacy.

 

Was that where Josh had gotten his medication?

 

_I don’t want to end up like Josh.  I don’t want to go crazy._

 

_But what if I already am crazy?_

 

_Being on medication means you’re crazy.  Josh was on medication, and he was crazy..._

 

“Hey!”

 

A loud bang made her scream and jump off the bench.

 

Emily was standing on the other side of the glass, snowflakes glistening in her dark hair.  Her balled-up fist rested upon the glass.

 

“Get your dumb medication already!” she yelled.

 

When Jessica didn’t move, Emily beat on the glass again.  “Did you not hear me?  I said _get your dumb medication already!_ ”

 

Clutching the prescription in her hand, Jessica walked to the back of the shelter.

 

“It’s about god-damn time,” said Emily.  “It’s 15 ‘til, and I got pumpkin spice latte mix to buy.  Come on!”

 

Emily grabbed Jessica’s shoulders and steered her in the direction of the pharmacy.

 

The two walked the short distance together.  Jessica kept her eyes on the red light of the pharmacy’s cross.  She felt Emily beside her the whole way.

 

As soon as they pushed through the turnstile door, the man behind the front counter said with a tight smile, “Good evening, ladies.  Just so you know, we close in five minutes.”

 

Emily returned the smile.  “I know.”  To Jessica, she said, “Get your medication,” and then ducked into one of the aisles.

 

Prescription still in hand, Jessica walked up to the man.  He was tall and graying, with a lab smock on.

 

“Hi.  I need to fill this.”

 

He took the paper and studied it.  “We just got some of this in a shipment today.  Let’s see here...”

 

Turning, he paced to one of the shelves stocked with boxes and packs of medication.  He looked back and forth between the prescription and the shelf space labels.

 

In all of her years of coming downtown, Jessica had never once set foot in here. Their family doctor always called their medications into the pharmacy in her neighborhood.

 

But this place was nice.  Kind of cute, actually, with the aisles of neatly stacked over-the-counter stuff, hair and skin care products, and all.

 

Now that she was looking around, she saw that one aisle was dedicated to Halloween.  On the endcap hung costume packages just like at Gwen’s.

 

_The forest fairy!_

 

She pulled the package off the peg.  Here, the costume was marked down to $20.  Above the pegs was a row of small costume make-up boxes.  And what luck, one of them had cheap body glitter!

 

She had just set the costume and body glitter tube on the counter when the man came back with her medication.  It was in an ordinary-looking white and blue box.

 

“Is that all for you?” he asked.

 

She responded yes.  After he processed her insurance card, he rang up all three things and slid them neatly into a paper bag.

 

“What the hell?  No latte mix at _all_?” Emily said behind Jessica.

 

The man’s smile tightened.  “We don’t normally sell drink mixes except at Christmastime.”

 

“I’ll definitely remember that two months from now,” Emily said, rolling her eyes.

 

She pushed through the turnstile door.  Jessica grabbed the paper bag and raced after her.

 

Outside, Emily stood, waiting.  The snowflakes had started to lie, turning the pavement a clean white.

 

Emily nodded at the bag in Jessica’s arm. “What’s the deal with the get-up?”

 

“Mitch Johnson is having a Halloween party.  I’m going.”

 

“Mitch Johnson?  That sap-fest from the football team who asked you out like a million times?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Well.  Have fun with that.”

 

 “I will,” Jessica said, and walked back to the bus stop.

 

Once her butt hit the bench, she pulled out the box of Zoloft.  The prescription sticker said two a day, just like Dr. Hill had written on the note.  Take with plenty of water.

 

She tore open the box and slid out the contents.  Thirty-two pairs of white, powder pills rattled inside an aluminum-backed plastic case.

 

She sliced open the aluminum behind one pair of pills and shook them into her hand.  They looked totally normal.  If it weren’t for the box, she wouldn’t be able to tell them apart from aspirins or allergy medicine.

 

Slapping the pills into her mouth, she tilted her head back and dry-swallowed.

 

“Hey!”

 

Another loud bang made her jump.

 

Emily had her fist resting on the glass again.

 

“Jesus on a stick, do you _have_ to keep doing that?”

 

“Sorry.”

 

Jessica squinted at her.  Emily had just apologized.  Emily _never_ apologized for anything, _ever_.

 

Slowly, Emily walked around the shelter to the entrance where she paused, picking at one fake nail.

 

“Look, about Mike…”

 

“What _about_ Michael?”

 

“He was the one who told me you guys had broken up.  He sent me a text message --”

 

“Yeah, he’s really good at that.”

 

“I think...I think he’s just going through a lot right now.  You are too.”

 

“Did he tell you that before or after you guys sexted each other?”

 

“Oh my God, shut _up_ already with that.  We didn’t do anything.  I just wanted to tell you so --”

 

“So what?  I could feel worse than I already do?”

 

“No, you tool, so you’d know he was thinking about you too when he did it.  Which is more than he did for me.”

 

“Oh, poor you.  Let’s all feel sorry for Emily because Michael broke up with her and she got a new boyfriend with the snap of her fingers.  Who cares about Jessica and how everyone fucking _left her to rot_!”

 

“Yes, let’s have a pity party for Jessica since she’s the only one who can’t get over it!”

 

Jessica shot to her feet.  “You have _no_ idea what you’re talking about, so step off, bitch!”

 

“Actually, I do, _bitch_ , and so does Mike.  And Matt.  I bet the same goes for Sam and the others, too.  For people who go through what we went through, it’s normal.  But you have to fight it.  Whether you go to therapy or you take medication or you just take a bunch of deep breaths, grit your teeth, and remind yourself it’s over, _you have to fight it._  If you don’t, it will rule your life.”

 

Jessica took a step back, her eyes locked with Emily’s.  Gone was the usual arrogant swagger.  Instead, Jessica saw only a kind of desperate honesty totally foreign to Emily Davis.

 

The bus rumbled to a stop in front of the shelter.  The two doors flipped open with an oily squeak.

 

Jessica nodded and said, “Thanks.”

 

She boarded the bus and took a seat near the front.  In the rearview mirror, a small, distorted version of Emily watched as the bus pulled away.  It turned left, and small, distorted Emily disappeared.

 

The ride to Jessica’s neighborhood would take about 30 minutes.  She unwrapped the earbuds she carried in one of her jacket pockets, plugged the pin into her phone, and stuck the buds in her ears.  She scrolled through her music selection, skipping over _that song_.

 

She hadn’t listened to _that song_ since that night, not until today in Gwen’s.  It used to be her favorite song, but now all it did was make her remember.  And she didn’t want to remember the claws on her skin, the smell of the monster’s breath steaming her face, the snow gliding under her as the thing dragged her into the night…

 

_You have to fight it._

 

_If you don’t, it will rule your life._

 

_Take a bunch of deep breaths, grit your teeth, and remind yourself it’s over._

 

Biting her lip hard, she highlighted the song.  She took a deep breath and pressed SELECT.

 

The sweet keyboard notes that she loved and feared entered her ears.

 

_“Sometimes I hit a wall and I fall and I can't stand up and somebody says,_

_‘Hey-hey-hey, it’s gonna be okay’_

_Sometimes I hit a wall and I fall and I can't stand up and somebody says,_

_‘Hey-hey-hey, it’s gonna be okay’...”_

 

Bending over so the other passengers couldn’t see her face, Jessica squeezed her eyes shut and took deep breath after deep breath.

 

_It’s okay.  It’s over.  You’re fine.  You’re normal._

 

_It’s okay.  It’s over.  You’re fine.  You’re normal._

 

_It’s okay.  It’s over.  You’re fine.  You’re normal._

 

Her thumb twitched as she forced it to stay away from the STOP button.

 

_You’re doing great, girl.  You’re okay.  It’s going to be okay._

 

Silence.

 

She’d listened to the whole song, and she hadn’t freaked out or cried.

 

She’d listened to the entire song from start to finish, and she hadn’t screamed, shook, or shed a single tear.

 

A smile broke across her face.  She laughed, quiet yet joyfully.  She cupped a hand over her mouth and looked out the window at the snowy twilight so no one could see.

 

Only a sliver of faint light remained between the distant dark mountains and black velvet night. She texted Mom to let her know she was on the bus home.

 

After she hit SEND, her eye caught Dr. Hill’s text message from earlier. She replied to it:

 

_“I’m okay.  I got the prescription you gave me.  Already took the first dose.  I’m on my way home now.”_

 

Tomorrow she’d call his office and set up her appointment for next week.

 

Her phone buzzed.  She looked at it, expecting to find a message from Mom or Dr. Hill.  Instead, she found a new Facebook notification.

 

She opened the app and clicked on her notifications list.

 

_“Emily Davis posted in Halloween Fright Night!”_

 

Heart racing, she selected the notification.

 

Emily’s post read, _“A party the weekend I come home early from college, and no one invited me?!  Haha!  Guess I’m gonna have to gatecrash so I can keep you monsters in line!”_

 

The post already had a few Likes on it.  Jessica reread the post and hit the Like button.

 

Smiling, she closed the app and rested her head against the glass.  The gentle vibration of the bus rolling down the street lulled her into sleepy contentment.

 

**the end.**

* * *

 


End file.
